The season’s over, and the champions and prima donnas rise to the surface. Champions show that the cream rises to the top, and the prima donnas – well, to feel comfortable in the presence of true greatness, many of them find it necessary only to be alone. Those guys can always get someone to love them though, even if they have to do it themselves.

They say that when you’re visiting Wellytown, you don’t have to do the tourism thing. Just stay in one place long enough and most of it will blow past you.

I was watching the discus in at the Nationals and wondering if it would finally become interesting if they’d start throwing it at each other! But at least I didn’t have to go to the national decathlon champs – as Steve Ovett once said, it’s nine Mickey Mouse events and the 1500 metres. Someone told me that in Welly, one of those bulky decathletes went to the zoo to kill some time. They gave him two tickets – one to get, and one to get out. Some were wondering which one it was. The last Olympic medalist to play Tarzan was Glen Morris, a decathlete. Just sayin’.

But to be fair, the only exercise I get is to take cuff links out of one shirt and put them in the other. But every morning I wake up and do me exercises … 1,2,3,… 1,2,3 …. and then I do the other eyelid.

Gotta say that I enjoyed that throwing stuff in Wellytown. More testosterone there than a Hollywood café and I saw a few guys with enough agro to start a scrap in en empty house.
But I did get a buzz when the speedsters hit the tracks. That national men’s sprint final was a cracker, and Tauranga Tornado, Joe Millar, was lookin’ good for making some history with a sprint double until his wee mate, Kodi the Firecracker exploded outta the blocks and was leading within a sniff of the line. I nearly did a back somersault and kissed both cheeks. But the Tornado’s got overdrive and came home as quick as a rabbit on a promise. Smashed out the 200 for good measure and complete a three-peat double.

Alex Jordan shook off the cobwebs and bowled the favourite Tama Toki by a nose in the one-lapper, just pipping schoolboy Bailey Stewart, just a metre back. That was a cracker! The blokes had a good crack at Games qualifying over Easter with decent PBs, but none of those three were there. Complicated.
The hurdles were topsy – turvy! Hurdler Hawkins shoulda won the highs, but lost and looked like a fella who’d jumped on his horse only to find the saddle was mounted the wrong way around. So the winner, Mad Dog Cochrane, then went and lost his low hurdles title Cameron Garlic French. Crazy!
Tauranga took the sprint for mares last year too, but this time Flyin’ Fiona Morrison from Shaky Canty stormed home in stormy Welly from Rochelle Coster – I was gonna call her Concrete for the amount of time she’s been in plaster lately. Miriah Ririnui, the Princess of Maungatapu was third and showing that all her bounding to prepare to be the champion long jumper does not diminish her significant brain cells.

The ‘Naki showed it’s not all cows and udders down there in Ferdinand country when Zippin’ Zoe Hobbs knobbled the Under 18 sprints, takin’ the hundy in her third race on the first day. In the furlong, she ripped it quick enough to be only 3/100ths off second in the seniors. Best thing about speedsters around Godzone at the mo’ is this age group of little fillies – Lucy Sheat from Blenheim, just outta primary and clocking times that coulda got 4th in the senior half lap even though she flies with her head so far back she can hardly see where she’s goin’. And she came in behind Georgia Hulls from H Bay, all of them from little towns that means they’ve gotta travel all over the country.

Tauranga training mates Abby Goldie and Molly Florence, under Blazing Todd Blythe who ran in the senior World Champs before he was a senior, went one-two in the sprint, Golden Goldie taking the two hundred as well from another Tauranga Turbo, Amy Rocket Robinson who fitted this in amongst golds at hurdles and long jump.

And then there’s the roundy-roundies, runnin’ all those laps in a tight bunch to keep warm. The slow ones never seem to have their feet leave the ground, always got one in contact. Real runners have movement, but these joggers just have movement – a sort of healthy form of epilepsy.

But hey, it can get chilly in that Wellytown. I couldn’t wait to get outta there and be re-united with my legs – hadn’t felt them for three days, a bit like a Lager Lad out on the lash.

When I went over to Aussie, what I gained was learning that I’m much more satisfied with Godzone, and the average Kiwi is above average over the creek. And with some of speedies that went over there, it raised the average IQ of Aussie to double figures when you’ve got the likes of architects like Leapin’ Matt Wyatt and enough Uni students in the team to start up a whole new campus. Josain Millar was the only senior sprinter to medal in both 100 and 200m from either country, Danny O’Shea and Josh Hawkins got some bronzeware over the sticks, Monster Marshal Hall the same in the disc, Sez Cowley got silver in the high and makes it to Glasgow, Tee Keenan won the shot, Portia Bing in second is two years younger than the Hept winner, and that was about it for mining metal.

And the long jump commentator at the Aussie Champs I saw on telly highlights was a bit naughty – “Oooh, it’s enormous. It was so long!”

So, everyone knuckles down to winter work now – it’s the Mainland I feel for. Winter ends in January and starts again in March! Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it!
With the snow and rain just arrivin’, it’s footy season, so I’ll leave you to think about the difference between the Wannabe Wallabies and the Milford Track – not everyone’s walked over the Milford Track.

Spot ya.

The post Same to you appeared first on NZ Speed Development Academy.

Rattle your daggs now, the sun is out, feel the need for speed !
The word is out that national relay squads have been resurrected after a break that was long enough to grow a Kauri tree, with Glasgow in mind. Now that ought to rattle your weanie if you’re into motivation. Some of these blokes, and bloke-esses, are as quick as a Fijian Fire Walker, so what I want for Xmas is a video camera so I can film things and watch re-runs. Trying to spot speedsters at my age is as tough as trying to keep a politician out of the limelight, and I just so much need that re-run facility.

Winter is when you’ve gotta get the grunt. It’s no good turning up so weak that you can’t pull a greased stick out of a pig’s bottom , so let’s hope you all had a fair old stab at the protein shakes, looong reps, and weights bars.

We’re all wondering who’s gonna spring the surprises at the Secondary Schools Champs soon, and it’s no surprise that there’s plenty of shocks. I’ll in Hamiltown lookin’ out for the American College recruiters who seem to come over on chartered flights and swoop up our little-ees to keep themselves in their jobs back home. They always manage to pick up some of our roundy-roundy distance runners who’re so tough they’re brought up on painkillers, not Mother’s Milk.

They’re bound to keep an eye on the speedsters too. That’s where you come across the jokers that are fiery enough to be a one-man barbecue, and they’ll be lookin’ out for the ones that are so nippy that parts nearly fly off when they’re tearing along.

You know, they come up with medals for the winners, but I reckon they should also keep an eye out for the Most Improved Awards too.  I wonder who you would’ve given that to last season?

So, roll on the Schools Champs, it’s gonna be more fun than when I plugged Grandma’s hearing aid into the Xmas tree to watch her face light up.

The post It’s Summer, so it’s Speed Season appeared first on NZ Speed Development Academy.

Batten down the hatches you Paddies, the ABs have rolled the Lilly-whites at Twickers after the Rose Petals rolled over, Frogs proved again that the world Cup wins were flukes. The AB Boys are hot to trot after puttin’ away the Wannabies and the Boks, the last one winning one of the best games ever seen. It was about as much fun as goin’ Downtown for a night out with me ol’ mate, Bi-Curious Willy. Those Wannabies are more shakey than Mohamed Ali flying JetStar into Wellington!

The ABs have got some new recruits, and I like the look of this Dominic Bird unit. He’s a rectangular beast, looks like a dented suitcase. That chunk of granite named Steve Hansen, he with the paralysed face, never gets more excited than the guy who’s tranquiliser hasn’t worn off, but adding Luke Whitelock will have tickled that family coz they’re only the third whanau in history to have three bros in the all Blacks.

The Cantabs showed the ITM lot that they’re once again more Contenders than Pretenders, and after Team NZ on their flying, floating, trampoline, we needed something to show us how teams win again. Watching that sailing thing was as much fun as stickin’ your nuts in a vice, tryin’ to keep your eyes on fellas running all over the boat like a Caucasian dancing. Mind you, the way that Oracle bunch use the Rule Book, wouldn’t you like to grab them with the squirrel grip!

But that Dave Rennie and his Waikato Chiefs, winnin’ the super 15 again, that’s Superman stuff and repeats in this competition are about as tough as curing cancer. But they got the job done and just when you’d think they’d be up for a break in the sun, pretty soon they’re getting’ ready to go to France for a shot at Arab-funded Toulouse, who’ve recruited like a World ‘B’ team, to play for a world club title. Get in there, you Tainui Taniwha Kaitiaki!

Tana Umaga got into strife too, abusing ref Glen Jackson in a manstruation moment, but he’s over it and in the clear now – and they’ve got the Shield. After so long, like forever, their supporters reckon now that The Impossible is Nothing.

Now, I went into a takeaway the other day and asked for “Chinese”, and the fella said “Racist”. I can’t be, I’m from Nelson and they’ve got no one from other races.

I’m off to find out what’s up with the Missus. I don’t think she wants me around much now. When I woke up this morning I was in the car, fully dressed. Spot ya.

- Back Row Bruiser

The post Winter’s Done & Dusted appeared first on NZ Speed Development Academy.

Howzit ? My cuzzy, Gluteus Mac, told me about these pages and I jumped off the couch and got on the old portable typewriter, you know, the one with a ribbon and only two colours, red and black (they’d love that in Shaky Town, ChCh eh.

I got a shock the other day – nearly feel through my pants and hung myself when I realised where a lot of World Cups are sittin’ at the moment – at NZRFU in the other shaky Town, Wellingtown, and NZRL in volcanic Dorkland. Men’s and women’s 15s World C Men’s and women’s 15s World Cups, guys and girls World Sevens, fellas and felletts League World Cups. The Poms must be cryin’ into their lagers and malts, for them, worse than drinkin’ bacon fat.

Richie’s back – yeah baby !! His tranquiliser wore off, and he’s raring to tear into the ‘Boks and Wannabies. The Argies are in there this time too in this expanded comp, with a pack full of ugly specimens. Their teeth are in different area codes, and their tight five as massive – no foreheads, just fiveheads.

This is classic – I was watchin’ the news the other night when they talked about the Sochi Winter Olympics coming up in Russia. I was thinking about the about the old Moscow Olympics and the American boycott. It was coz the Ruskies had invaded Afghanistan. Figure that out. Then USA took over Iraq and the price of gas went up, so who won the war anyway ?

I’ll keep it short, just like Gluteus Mac’s temper, otherwise he’ll go all tits up that I’m stealin’ his thunder. Sometimes he gets his valium and anti-inflammatories mixed up, but he’s a funny guy – so long as he’s takin’ his medicine. Cop-u-later.

- Back Row Bruiser

The post How Ya Goin’? appeared first on NZ Speed Development Academy.

I did get to the Nationals last summer though, and there’s gotta be something in that Kiwifruit Juice down there in the Bay of Plenty. I’d heard the word from the National Schools that Tauranga Tornado, Toddy Blythe, had wound up his girls to go 1,2,3 in the hundred, not something you find every day in your ol’ scrapbook.

So, in Auckland, Hamilton’s Clever-Criss Strange put the after-burners on Miriah Ririnui to take the senior women’s hundy, and her hometown Tauranga was glowing again, Tornado’s Flying Molly Florence is stolen from Rotorua and steamed home in the 100, the AAs (Abby and Amy) got second and third again (to Zooming Zoe Hobbs from the ‘Naki) as they had at the Schools to Flyin’ Molly.

And then it all broke loose. Two more Kiwifruit Kids put on the spikes, looked as dangerous as a rhino with a flick knife, and ran quicker than a rabbit on a promise. Talk about puttin’ the light out and being in bed before it goes dark, Joey the Missile Millar and Kodi Harman the Hare clocked the quickest ever 100’s for their ages and they don’t even shave yet. Coach Kezza Hill had tears, and I also see he’s now combin’ his hair with a shaving brush these days.

And now the secret is out – Tauranga, ‘Speed City’ for now even if their local newspapers missed it, so I’m told. That must make those medalists feel like they’re eaten their own shoe.

Dunno what’s in the water north of the Harbour Bridge though, apart from what we can see from the motorway in those Albany sewage ponds – but those Shore hammies going ping-pong-ping like strings snappin’ in an orchestra were not music to me ears. Poor old Coach Joe must be thinking about droppin’ the ‘F’ Bomb!

I read all the hype about a little hockey kid, Punt (isn’t that a rugby word), but couldn’t find her on the 100m dais. I said she’s little, but the journos yapped about jet lag. Oh, Portia Bling-Bing took out the half lap and Little Punt popped up in third. Monique Williams, at half pace, won the one lap – well, what did you expect? And she was saving her main effort for the wedding over in Enga-land.

Now, the men’s 400. Cor, Andy Whyte from Wardy’s mob in the South carved ‘em up – a whippet winner! And Cam French and Danny O’Shae (Irish or what?) double with medals in the one lap hurdles and one lap flat at the same meet, plus relays. Tough cookies. They go hard these one-lappers – they show there’s more ways of getting to the top than sittin’ on an acorn. It’s not the colour of the skin that covers the chest but the size of the heart that beats inside.

Hey, Last night a Muslim lady came to my door. I never opened it, I just talked to her through the letter box just to see how she fackin’ likes it.

I’d better toodle off now, coz there’s a bit to do. I just got back from holiday and I seemed to visit lots of places with lots of dopes takin’ lots of dope. I just got back from Amsterdam. I think.

Catch you again soon.

The post G’day! appeared first on NZ Speed Development Academy.